


a history of sexuality, volume i

by istajmaal



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Boys Being Awkward, First Time, Goodbye Sex, Hand Jobs, Jealousy, M/M, Misunderstandings, Sexual Identity, Sexual Tension, casual het sex, remus is sort of a feminist
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-24
Updated: 2013-09-24
Packaged: 2017-12-27 12:36:37
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,026
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/978957
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/istajmaal/pseuds/istajmaal
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>[Hogwarts and pre-Azkaban.] Sometimes just looking at Remus without kissing him makes Sirius feel like he's lying, and he wants to tell the truth.</p>
            </blockquote>





	a history of sexuality, volume i

**Author's Note:**

> seven years. that is how long it has been since my last remus/sirius fic. but here i am again. OTPs are for life, children, don't let anyone ever tell you otherwise.
> 
> profound apologies to michel foucault, whose brilliance is totally bastardized by my allusions.

“We demand that sex speak the truth [...] and we demand that it tell us our truth, or rather, the deeply buried truth of that truth about ourselves which we think we possess in our immediate consciousness.” -- Michel Foucault, The History of Sexuality, Volume I

 

#

 

From the very beginning, there was something about Remus Lupin that made Sirius want to touch him.

 

At eleven years old, there had not been many things that Sirius Black had wanted and not gotten, so he touched Remus rather a lot. When he met Remus on the Hogwarts Express, he shoved the tiny pale boy playfully when he wouldn't trade his Chocolate Frog card. When Remus was sorted into Gryffindor ten minutes after Sirius was, he bowled him over with a bear hug. When Remus gave him his History of Magic notes before their first exam, he gave him an over-the-top kiss on the cheek.

 

There were a lot of quiet boys in their year that Sirius could have annoyed (and he did). But none of the others pushed back like Remus did, rolling his eyes at Sirius's teasing, or gave him that shy, delighted smile like Remus did when he ruffled his hair. So Sirius, and then James, and then Peter, kept him around, and it was a relief because it meant that liking Remus Lupin was not as strange as Sirius sometimes felt it was when their hands touched.

 

#

 

McKinnon? Well, she was hot, but a little too intense for Sirius's taste. Greene? No, her head was weirdly small. Evans? Gods no, James would kill him--and he would _know_ , Sirius just knew he would know. Maybe Bell...

 

By the time he was fourteen, Sirius Black had been wanking for more than three years, and frankly, the excitement of it had rather diminished. In the beginning, the very idea of getting himself off was enough to get him hard--but that train had started to run out of steam.

 

It wasn't that he'd _stopped_ wanking, but by fourth year, it had transformed from an illicit thrill into just another chore, a physical necessity, not so different from brushing his teeth. When he had told James this, he had grinned a wicked grin (Sirius wasn't sure James Potter had any other kind), dug a magazine out from under his mattress, and said, "Give this a go. Trust me."

 

That evening, after the boys of the Gryffindor fourth year dorm had all yanked their bed curtains shut, Sirius pulled out the magazine and flipped through a few pages. There were naked witches lying about in positions that seemed all together awkward, Sirius thought, which must be why he felt more uncomfortable than aroused. Sighing, he closed the magazine and put it under his pillow, trying to think of what he might tell James tomorrow.

 

 _Maybe the problem is that those glossy witches are all so two-dimensional,_ Sirius thought. If he just picked a bird he knew to fantasize about, it would feel more real.

 

He closed his eyes, felt for his half-hard dick, and imagined Leah Bell splayed in front of him with her legs over her head. He imagined sliding into her, wet and hot and tight... and his dick stiffened, but there was still a kind of urgency that was missing, and so, frustrated, Sirius pulled up his pants and decided to take a hot shower so he could get his rocks off and go to bed.

 

When he opened up his bed curtains, he saw that Remus had left his open a bit, so that the light of the waxing (and it _always_ seemed to be waxing) moon illuminated the lower half of his face, the white scar running cutting across his lips a soft, glowing silver.

 

For some reason (it must have been because he was already hard, already suggestible), Sirius suddenly imagined _Remus_ sprawled naked in front of him, hands holding his knees up to his head, ready to take Sirius's cock. He felt as if some part of him he hadn't known existed snapped into place. He stood in the middle of the room, hard as could be, gaping for a moment, before he flew into the loo and locked the door, leaning against it, his hand flying to his leaking dick.

 

Remus on all fours, arse high in the air, fingers curling into sheets, scars glowing in moonlight, whimpering as he took Sirius's cock. Remus on his knees, Sirius's hands tangled in his hair as his cock slid into his mouth, hot and wet...

 

Sirius hadn't even come yet (and it didn't take long) before he started to rationalize these images. It wasn't that he was into Remus. Or... or any of that kind of thing, at all. It was just the fact that it was so bloody unlikely--Remus, so self-conscious about his scarred body, so composed, so averse to any vulnerability not inherent in his condition--Remus would never let himself loose like that, and that made Sirius ache to see it. He couldn't keep himself from gasping as he came, and if he imagined it was Remus's hand on his cock, it wasn't _weird_ or _wrong_ because he knew it would never--he didn't even _want_ it to really happen.

 

Sirius stayed leaning against the bathroom door for a minute, breathing hard, before he washed up and walked back to bed, determined not to look back in the direction of Remus's bed. As he passed James's four-poster, he heard a snicker and a "told you, mate."

 

Sirius didn't say anything. He closed his eyes and tried not to see anything in the blackness. Sleep took him mercifully soon.

 

#

 

It was Easter hols before OWLs and even Sirius and James, who betrayed no outward signs of being worried about the exams, were staying at Hogwarts--if you asked them, they would've said it was to appreciate the sunshine all the more knowing all those poor sods were in the library, but they did study in their own way. The four friends had their own corner set up in the common room, and the rest of the Gryffindors at Hogwarts for the holiday learned quickly not to invade it, on pain of charmed books being flung at them (Sirius's contribution to the studying endeavor). Remus was there every morning by eight, looking more and more haggard each day (the full moon, the real reason they had all stayed at Hogwarts, was getting closer), and by mid-afternoon, James and Sirius could be found casually rattling off everything they knew about charms while Peter took frantic notes and Remus looked up occasionally to ask a clarifying question.

 

All of that studiousness started to take its toll of James, who declared a little past midnight on the night before the full that they all needed a "bloody break from being bloody nancy buggers," and decided to run to Hogsmeade for some butterbeer.

 

"Who's with me, lads?" James said. "Who will join me on my quest?"

 

"Me," Peter said quickly, before Sirius could volunteer. He flung down his quill and wrung out his hand. "If I copy any more dates my hand will start a mutiny."

 

James looked at Sirius to see if he would protest, but he just shrugged. Since The Prank (as they all referred to it in whispers, when Remus wasn't around), he hadn't been nearly as enthusiastic for rule-breaking and general mischief-making as he normally was. Remus didn't protest the plan, which was his own kind of approval. James and Peter slipped under the cloak and out of the common room, unconcerned by the alarm of the Fat Lady.

 

This was the first time Sirius had been alone with Remus since Sirius had nearly gotten him expelled ( _not to mention killed_ , as James had reminded him at the top of his lungs, no thanks to the Department of Magical Creatures' new bloody policy) five weeks ago. Every time Sirius had tried to corner him to apologize, to beg for forgiveness or for Remus to hit him, Remus had just gone a few shades paler, insisted that Sirius's apologetic ministrations were unnecessary, he'd made a mistake, but Remus had known something like that would happen eventually. At least the worst had been averted.

 

Remus's lack of fury had turned Sirius's guilt inwards, which was driving him absolutely mad. Remus was flipping through his Potions notes, occasionally tapping a line with his wand so that the text turned bright green, totally ignoring the fact that they were alone together and Sirius still hadn't made things right. The worst part was that Remus knew him and so he _must_ have been doing this on purpose to drive him mad, the level-headed bastard.

 

The problem with Remus, Sirius had decided, was that it was impossible to knock him off his balance. Nothing could phase him. It made him almost impossible to prank, though Sirius, James, and Peter had certainly tried their best. (Sirius had been particularly proud of the nosehair-growing charm, but Remus's reaction had been merely the same exaggerated exasperated expression he'd been wearing for years.) When it came to things that _mattered_ , it was even worse--because much as Remus enjoyed lecturing them on the importance of being prepared for the worst-case scenario, when the worst-case scenario came and went, he refused to acknowledge it at all.

 

"Padfoot, could you explain the potion bit of the Animagus preparation stage again?" Remus said, furrowing his brow as he tapped his parchment lightly with his wand. The fire crackled in the background. The absence of other voices seemed overwhelmingly oppressive to Sirius. His hands balled into fists. Remus was fiddling with his quill, unaware that Sirius's fingernails were about to draw blood from his palm.

 

"Moony," Sirius said. _I'm dying here, don't you see, beat me up or forgive me but don't act like I don't matter, I can't stand it_. He bit his lip.

 

"I know, I should know it," Remus said, oblivious to Sirius's state, "but I always get caught up on the transfiguration parts, the making of this potion's a different story." He looked up over the stack of books around him.

 

" _Moony_ ," Sirius said, _you son of a bitch, will you really look at me for once._

 

"Are you having an aneurysm?" Remus said. Even Sirius's bizarre behavior didn't phase him.

 

Just to make him angry, Sirius took the quill out of Remus's hand, threw it aside, and kissed him--quickly, with closed lips, right on the mouth.

 

Sirius kept his eyes shut for a moment too long to see the reaction one his friend's face. When he opened his eyes again, Remus was rummaging around on the ground for his quill.

 

"What kind of bet did you lose?" he said smoothly, not looking Sirius in the eye.

 

Sirius felt like hitting him. Instead, he forced his mouth into a smirk. "How do you know I didn't win?" he said.

 

Remus sat up, quill clutched in his left hand. "Ah," he said, his voice, if anything, _more_ even than usual as he scanned his notes for where he had left off. "How much will James owe you, then?"

 

"Five Galleons." Sirius settled back into his chair, his smile becoming a bit more genuine as he realized that the world was not going to come crashing down around him even though it had every reason to do so.

 

"You should have told me, I'd not have had all that garlic for dinner." Remus finally looked at Sirius again and gave him his most sympathetic grin. Sirius fought the urge to kiss him again, and realized with a jolt that Remus might not actually be trying to drive him mad, but it was he who was doing it to himself, quite spectacularly.

 

"Well, friends are there to forgive each other's faults," Sirius said. "Now, erm, what were you asking about before?"

 

Sirius explained the pre-transformation Animagus process again, including the details of the requisite potion and a vivid description of six ways that James had almost fucked it up irreparably, and Remus listened, looking into the fire and every so often jotting something down.

 

When James and Peter returned, arms full of pies and bottles of butterbeer, Sirius stood to greet them with a cheer. Out of the corner of his eye, he thought he saw Remus put his fingers to his lips where Sirius had kissed him. One comment from Remus and everything might have been ruined, but he said nothing as Peter popped open the butter beer and James recounted how Mrs Norris had chased them halfway around the castle before they realized she was following Peter's shoelace, which was trailing behind the invisibility cloak. Nothing had come of it, so they all laughed and let the frothy beverages fill them with warmth.

 

#

 

Sixth year Remus got a girlfriend, some Hufflepuff whose name Sirius refused to remember (though if you asked him what he thought of Amelia Bones, he would have had a few choice words at hand). James and Peter both had their eyes set on girls who were far too good for them, for which Sirius was grateful, as it kept them from asking too much about why he kept turning down Hogsmeade dates with some of Hogwarts's finest female students.

 

Come late January, though, _all_ James and Peter seemed to want to do was talk about girls. Valentine's was coming up, which wasn't even a real holiday, Sirius thought angrily, but that didn't seem to stop the rest of the single Gryffindor sixth year boys from moaning about it.

 

"I just can't believe that Moony is the one one of us who's managed to land a bird," Peter said one winter afternoon as they sat defrosting from an inter-House snowball fight in the Gryffindor common room. Peter's feet were taking up half the room around the fire, and Sirius had to resist the urge to push the rest of him in.

 

"Tell me about it," James said, poking his limp, wet hat with his wand and muttering words that sounded close to, but not exactly like a drying incantation. "If anything, I'd have thought it'd be Sirius, half the girls our year are in love with him anyway."

 

Sirius snorted. "Please," he said. He shifted so that his feet were closer to the fire. "The only attractive birds at Hogwarts are my relatives, and _that's_ not a Black family tradition I'm keen on carrying on."

 

"I'm just the most sensible of you lot when it comes to women," Remus said. He alone of the four was warm and dry. "Not to mention Imperturbable and Warming Charms. I _told_ you three to charm yourselves before we left, but God forbid you try a useful charm when it also happens to be your homework to practice it..."

 

"There is no room for academic achievement in war!" James roared, shaking his head with enthusiasm and splattering them all with water droplets.

 

"We won, didn't we?" Sirius said, grasping at the change of subject. "Preparedness is for Hufflepuffs, we are more spontaneous and manly-like."

 

Remus rolled his eyes. "How silly of me. Amelia must be getting to my head."

 

 _And mine_ , Sirius said, kicking off a boot and barely missing Peter's head.

 

James finally managed the drying charm, and he grinned widely. "Of course," he said, "it's not like our Sirius wants for female company of the two-dimensional variety."

 

Peter sniggered. Sirius smiled. Somehow he had become infamous for his porn library. Ever since James had lent him that first glossy in fourth year, he had sought out every kind of pornographic picture of women under the sun, explaining himself that he just hadn't found his kink yet (even while it took showers in the next stall over). He enjoyed taking the piss out of people to whom he was lending, anyway. His thoughts wandered to the stack of photos he had ordered from a Muggle "athletic" magazine, hidden behind a disillusionment charm in the bottom of his trunk, and he flushed. Remus was looking at Sirius like he expected him to say something.

 

"Well, a lad's got his needs," Sirius said. Remus looked away from him and Sirius kicked off his second boot, this time managing to hit James in the nose.

 

#

 

_Moony!! I have the most spectacular news. As you know, Mum and Dad rented a summer house by the shore for the summer, and after some truly impressive petulance on my part, you've all been invited to come up for the last week of August!! Sirius is already here of course, and we have been having a gay old time, but of course your remonstrances have been sorely missed. Come!_

 

_Hope you're feeling all right, we were thinking of you. Sirius tried to convince me that we should go to you but I figured you'd skin us alive. Okay okay bad joke, but if you don't come up we are going to come and then we're going to skin YOU alive. Seems a bit messy, best just send a reply right back with Hephaestion to say you're coming!_

 

_Prongs_

 

#

 

The first day, they had planned to lay on the beach peacefully for a whole day, to ensure that they looked like Greek gods for the rest of the week. There were three problems with this plan. The first was that Peter was the only one of them who had turned seventeen, and he couldn't do a cushioning charm to save his life (and Sirius's consternation at sitting on the rocky ground meant he very nearly had to). The second was that Remus had six bloody gashes across his belly that would heal of their own accord, of course, but that would have made Mrs Potter faint in the meantime, so he had to wear a shirt. The third problem was that Sirius and James were constitutionally incapable of doing anything "peacefully."

 

After half an hour of relative quiet (it was noon; they were still waking up), James realized that his head boy badge was missing.

 

"Serves you right for bringing it to the bloody _beach_ ," Sirius shouted as James, who had enlisted Peter to help him, scoured every inch of the shore, wondering aloud how deep the current might have taken it. Remus, sitting under a big pink umbrella, didn't say anything, which Sirius knew meant he secretly agreed with him. James turned on the spot, nearly knocking Peter over into the water.

 

" _You_ ," he said. Remus adjusted his sunglasses so that he could watch the confrontation. Peter, sensing that getting involved would likely involve him getting knocked into the water, fled there proactively.

 

"Me," Sirius said. He grinned and pulled the big silver badge out of his pocket. James gave a great barbaric yawp and charged. Sirius ducked and ran under his outstretched arms towards the sea, but James seemed to anticipate this and tackled him. In the ensuing struggle, the badge fell into the water and Sirius stepped on a sea urchin.

 

"Uh, James," Peter said. He returned to shore at last, holding the badge and frowning.

 

"BLOODY FUCKING FUCK," Sirius roared.

 

" _Thank you_ , Wormtail, you are a true friend." James took the badge and smiled, then frowned quickly. " _Shit_ , there's a huge scratch on it."

 

"BUGGER SHIT FUCKING DAMN IT ALL TO HELL." Sirius hopped to the towel next to Remus and started rocking back and forth holding his foot in his hand.

 

"If Lily finds out I've ruined it already," James moaned, "she'll think I'm not taking this leadership position _seriously._ " He rubbed his finger over a big scratch over the Gryffindor lion's mane.

 

"Can't have that," Remus said, pushing his sunglasses back up and leaning back on the prickly pebble beach while Sirius invented several new curses, many of them incorporating "Potter." Remus dug into his bag (James had called it a purse) and pulled out a small bottle of potion. "Put this on your heel," he said. "It'll help."

 

Sirius's fingers brushed Remus's as he took the potion, and after that Sirius's howls of pain grew silent. "Thanks," he muttered, barely audibly, and then laid on his stomach on the towel, no longer complaining about the rocks or even his foot.

 

#

 

"It's definitely around here somewhere, lads," James said. On the last day before they left for Hogwarts, they convinced Remus to go for a proper shirtless swim if they went out in a "borrowed" row boat to an isolated rock beach a little to the north. _It's really because James doesn't want the cute birds next door to see him all burnt like a tomato_ , Peter had whispered to Remus, and that had led him to eventually agree.

 

"Forgive me if my confidence in your navigation skills is not absolute," Remus said. His paddle had been hanging limply in his hand for more than twenty minutes as Peter and James in the back turned the boat in aimless circles.

 

"No, he's right," Sirius said. "I remember that rock."

 

"We must have passed a dozen rocks like that on the way here," Peter said, more to Remus than to the other two, who were having a spirited discussion about whether they had gone too far or not.

 

" _There!"_ James said triumphantly. "Just ahead. Paddles out, lads."

 

Sirius and Remus joined the paddling effort, and sure enough, after a minute or so of hard paddling, they came upon a small outcrop of rock just large enough for four boys to lounge on.

 

"Brilliant," Peter said. "My arms are killing me."

 

After a steep climb along the cliffs, they reached the outcrop. Peter performed a sun protection charm on himself. James was content to slather some sun potion on his shoulders and jump into the water, but Sirius, who had fallen asleep in the sun yesterday, was already burnt worse than all of them. He insisted that Peter charm him as well, so that he could get his back.

 

"Come on, Wormy," Sirius pleaded, clasping his hands together in supplication. He wondered if getting on his knees was too much, and decided that there was too big a risk of him getting kicked into the water to make it worth it. "You know I'd do it for you."

 

"No you wouldn't," Peter said, and Sirius had to admit he had a point. "And I hate when you guys call me Wormy. You'll make do the Muggle way."

 

Before Sirius could protest, Remus said from behind him, "don't worry, Sirius, I'll get your back."

 

Sirius spun around quickly and found Remus standing very close to him (it really was a small rock). He was wearing only his short bathing trunks. His long red gashes had turned into slightly less red raised scars. "Oh," Sirius said, turning around again quickly to avoid Remus's eyes. "Thanks."

 

Peter had already dived into the water. Sirius heard the squeeze bottle of sun potion hit the ground, and heard Remus rub some between his hands. "It's cold," he said apologetically, "but it should feel good."

 

Remus smoothed the lotion over Sirius's shoulder blades. Sirius couldn't stop himself from shivering, and he was glad that his flush would be practically invisible against his burns.

 

"Damn," he said quietly. "That's, er, good stuff."

 

"Quite an impressive burn you've got there," Remus said. His palms moved in sweeping circles over Sirius's lower back, and Sirius's eyes flickered shut when his fingers moved around his waist and up his sides. He bit his lip and was glad Peter and James had started a splash fight in the water, or they might have noticed his inexplicable hard-on even from meters away.

 

"There," Remus said, _way too close_ , Sirius thought. "Now you do me."

 

Sirius bent to get the cream on the ground and said, "turn around." His voice felt raw. He waited for Remus to be facing the other way before he stood again. Sirius squirted some lotion into his hands and slathered it onto Remus's back quickly, willing himself to think about anything but his friend's body. _Snivellus_ , he thought. _My parents having sex. My parents. Sex. Oh god._

 

Sirius couldn't remember the last time he had been this close to Remus being this naked, at least not when Remus didn't look like he was about to bleed to death. From a distance, the most notable thing about Remus's torso were the raised white scars that ran in jagged lines across it; from this close, though, what was really remarkable was how lean, even muscular, he was. Remus flinched as Sirius, who couldn't stop himself, traced two long, parallel curves just under Remus's shoulder blade.

 

"That tickles," Remus said, letting out one chortle.

 

"Done," Sirius said, and before Remus could turn around, he had jumped into the mercifully freezing water, dousing James and Peter, who declared a truce in their splashing war and instead rounded on him. Remus watched them from the shore for a few long moments before jumping in and swimming in long, strong strokes farther out to sea, where (Sirius wasn't _looking_ , he just _happened to notice_ ) he bobbed around like a cork, his arms spread and eyes closed and lifted towards the sky.

 

Peter had fetched his wand and conjured a big dog made out of water, that crashed into Sirius's head. " _Not fair_ ," Sirius yelped, and turned to take his revenge.

 

#

 

The cute girls in the rental next door didn't seem to mind that James and Sirius looked more like traffic cones than teenage boys, because they ("finally!" James exclaimed) invited them to a party on the beach that night. Peter looked very put-out, and Sirius used this as an excuse to get him to go in his place at the last minute. The girl who Sirius was supposed to go with looked quite disappointed.

 

"Sorry," Sirius said, leaning on the doorpost of James's rental with one foot in the air. "I just, I stepped on a sea urchin, can you believe it. Can't dance, can't even walk, I've been hopping around everywhere. Hope you have a nice time, though," he said, closing the door quickly as Peter left, straightening his collar nervously. Sirius limped back to the room the four of them were sharing, where Remus was rummaging around in his trunk.

 

"I thought you got stung on the other foot," Remus said, looking up to smile at Sirius, who shrugged and, walking normally, flung himself into the armchair where Remus had been sleeping.

 

"They were gross," he said. "The tall one looked like she was excavating Prongs's throat with her tongue before they'd left the drive. So much for Evans."

 

"He deserves to have fun, he's got a lot on his plate," Remus said. He straightened and sighed. "I can't find my book. Will you see if it's on that table over there?"

 

Sirius ignored this request. "We've been _having_ fun," he said. "I think there's another name for what they're doing tonight."

 

"Well, he deserves some of that too." Remus exhaled heavily and, apparently giving up on his search, sat down on the foot of the bed Sirius and James were sharing. "We all do."

 

"Right," Sirius said. He paused, almost thought better of saying what he was about to say, then said it anyway: "That's what you've got your Hufflepuff for, right?"

 

"She's not _my Hufflepuff_ , Sirius," Remus said. Sirius preferred to look at the ceiling than to look at him, but he sounded more sad than angry, like Sirius thought he would be. "She is her own person, and her name is Amelia."

 

Sirius sank deeper into the armchair. It smelled distressingly like Remus, like cheap soap and old cardigans and lavender fabric softener. He felt Remus's book poking him in the arse. "Whatever," he said.

 

Remus shook his head, but it was not quite in the same way he always did, like he was the other lads' babysitter or their uncle. Some real bitterness seemed to seep into his voice. "Here's a thought," he said. "Instead of pouting whenever your friends have relationships that make them happy, you could find someone of your own. You could have anyone you wanted, you know."

 

 _Anyone you wanted._ At this, Sirius balled his hands into fists to keep them from shaking. "I am not _pouting_ ," Sirius said, sitting up straight and glaring at Remus. "I'm _expressing myself_. Not that you would know anything about that realm of human experience."

 

"Quite a lot of gall you've got there," Remus snapped back with uncharacteristic acidity, "to lecture _me_ about the detriments of keeping one's emotions locked up."

 

It took Sirius a moment to realize what Remus had said, and in that moment Remus became suddenly apologetic.

 

"I don't--" Sirius said, looking between the suddenly blushing boy in front of him and his hands.

 

"Nothing," Remus said quickly.

 

"I don't know what you mean."

 

"It's nothing," Remus repeated.

 

The sun had set. Sirius stared at the blood-red sky. It would rain tomorrow. Remus looked like he wished he was reading his book, which Sirius was sitting on. He could hand it to him; he could walk out; he could pretend Remus had not basically admitted to knowing about his stupid useless crush on him, and Remus would oblige him, because that was who he was. Or--

 

"You _know_ ," Sirius said. He hadn't expected his voice to sound so _normal,_ like those were just any words.

 

"Er." Remus looked at the nightstand, like he wished his book would materialize there.

 

"There was never a bet," Sirius said. "No five Galleons." He noticed his hands had balled into fists and released them, forcing himself to keep them loosely on his lap. He realized he wasn't making much sense, objectively speaking, but Remus understood him, of _course_ he did.

 

"Yes," Remus said. "I know." Remus watched as Sirius's hands twitched.

 

"You never said." It felt bizarre, as an accusation, but there it was.

 

" _You_ never said." Remus was looking at him now, he hadn't run screaming from the room yet, and that was something.

 

Sirius cleared his throat. "Well," he said. "I'm, I'm saying."

 

"What?" _Pull it together, Black, you are not making any sense_.

 

The edifice of carefully veiled truths that Sirius had constructed around his friendship with Remus over the past two years (okay, maybe longer) was crumbling around him. He grabbed Remus by the shoulders as if it were the only thing that would save his life and kissed him, sloppily, on the side of his mouth. Then he let go of Remus and his hands fell to his sides like dead weight.

 

"I know this goes against every precept you have," Sirius said, "but I need you to _say something_ , damn it, and if you don't, I'll--"

 

"What?" Remus said, his voice high and slightly hysterical. His thumb was rubbing his mouth. "You'll do it again?"

 

"Yes," Sirius said; it sounded ridiculous when he said it, but it felt like a threat, even to him, because kissing Remus just now had almost made him stop breathing. " _Please_ , just--just don't act like this is a prank or a bet or some stupid story from one of your stupid books, because this is the most real I have ever felt."

 

Remus looked at him for a long time and Sirius's hands kept twitching, like they were desperate to rip his hair out. "I want the record to show that you asked for this," Remus said.

 

 _That doesn't count, that doesn't mean anything_ , Sirius wanted to say, but Remus had stepped forward and his hand was sliding up his neck and into his hair and _that, that is Remus's tongue_ and Remus tasted like cinnamon candy and sweat, and Sirius's hands groped for something to hold onto and just clawed helplessly at Remus's back, the same back that had been illicit territory just this morning and now--

 

Remus's hand dancing across his lower back, coming to rest on the skin just above the waistband of his boxers; Remus's lips sucking on Sirius's lower lip; Remus's thigh suddenly wedged between his legs, nudging his hardness, and Remus's cock, half-hard against Sirius's thigh. It was impossible to tell which one of them groaned, because the sound echoed in their mouths, until--

 

Remus broke away, taking several steps backward all at once and leaving Sirius's hands hovering midair uselessly. "I can't," he whispered, shaking his head and backing into the bed, where he sat down and covered his eyes with one hand. "Amelia. I can't. Not like this."

 

For a long moment, Sirius Black was at a loss for words. Remus stood again. He looked like he was looking for something to do with his fists. Sirius wondered if he would hit him, and wished he would.

 

"I'm sorry," Remus said, gesticulating with his fists, his eyes closed, "I--"

 

"I'll be going, then," Sirius said, just as he told himself he should have done an eternity ago before this even started.

 

"Sirius--" Remus was pleading, but what could he possibly be asking for, Sirius thinks, when Sirius has already given him everything he has. He shut the door behind him and Remus didn't follow.

 

The rest of the world seemed to have continued on during his absence. Not feeling particularly keen on having tea with Mrs Potter, Sirius wandered out of the house in a fugue state, not sure where he was going or how long he would stay, only wishing that he could be _gone_.

 

Stupid stupid stupid how could i be so how could i have expected

 

Sirius found himself near the beach, where flashing colored lights and the smell of beer reminded him what he ought to have been doing that evening. He wasn't sure how long it had been--no more than an hour--but as he wandered through the crowd of teenagers trying to look like they were older, his eyes found James chatting up the girl from the rental next door, his arm slung casually around her neck. Peter was standing a meter or so away from them awkwardly, his eyes on the girl he came with, standing on the other side of the dance floor rolling her eyes.

 

Someone was holding a tray of shot glasses near him. Sirius took two, winced as he downed them in one go, and then, with purpose, he walked up to the date that should have been his.

 

"Sirius," she said, her eyebrows going up in surprise. "Your foot..."

 

"I'm cured," he said, and his hand snaked around her waist and his mouth latched onto hers with an _oomph_ of her surprise.

 

But her surprise didn't last long. In a moment her fingernails were scratching against the back of his head, she was kissing him back. It was soft and cherry-tasting and all wrong, but that only made Sirius kiss her harder. She pulled closer to him, and his still half-hard cock brushed her thigh, and _well that was nice while it lasted, she's going to think I'm a perv._

 

She did, indeed, break the kiss, and looked into Sirius's eyes. Sirius looked at her, really looked, for the first time. Her black hair was in some sort of bun in the back of her head, a few wisps framing her face; she was wearing green eyeshadow; she was biting her lip.

 

"Come with me?" she said. She grasped Sirius by the hand and he followed, trying to make it look like it was his idea. His eyes automatically turned to where he saw his friends standing; Peter and James were both gawking at him, while James's bird looked like she would knee James in the nuts if he tried anything like that. Sirius tried to give them his best roguish grin, but before he knew what had happened they were behind the flimsy construction of the showers and she was kissing him again, closer this time, thighs touching, her hips grinding against him.

 

Her breath was hot on his face as he groaned (wrong wrong this is wrong she smells too much like a flower), his cock filling (we all deserve a little fun). She placed his hands on her arse, holding him by the hair as they kissed again, and her hips ground a little more desperately. Sirius forced himself to jut his hips against hers and almost cried because it was so close to being so good.

 

She took his hand (doesn't she think this is weird, Sirius didn't say) and pushed it under her skirt. Sirius had no idea what to do, so he poked around gently with his index finger, pulling aside panties and blindly feeling around the hairy mound until he found the spot that had her moaning and thrusting into his touch.

 

It felt wet and squishy and complicated. She shifted a bit and Sirius found his finger drawn up into her, and they both gasped.

 

Her hands moved to his belt, and that was something Sirius understood. His dick was barely out of his pants when she was on it, and Sirius closed his hands, leaned back against the rickety outhouse and clenched his fists ( _we all deserve a little fun_ ).

 

When it was over Sirius couldn't look at her, couldn't ask if she came, and told himself that was what men were supposed to do. He said, "er, thanks," buckled his belt and left her straightening her skirt.

 

James and Peter sputtered at him all the way home. Remus was curled into a ball on the armchair when they came back, his back turned to the door. The next morning they surprised everyone by not being nearly late to the Hogwarts Express, as Sirius was unusually quiescent and eager to do anything but look at Remus or talk about last night.

 

#

 

"I don't know, a bit of me always thought Sirius was bragging when he said he could have any girl he wanted, he just wasn't interested in Hogwarts birds," James was saying, "but _wow_."

 

They were still talking about it. Why were they still talking about it? It was two days after the fact, there was an enormous stuffed pheasant lying between them at the dinner table, they were seventh years and there were ickle first-year Slytherins to torment; in short, there were a lot of other things on Sirius's mind ( _not_ including that That Hufflepuff's hand on Remus's knee), but James and Peter still wanted to talk about _that_.

 

"Ta for the vote of confidence, James," Sirius said ( _is he blushing where is her hand going_ ). He took another helping of mashed potatoes as Peter attempted to magick some of the broccoli into a pyramid on his plate. "It wasn't--it was just a _thing_ , right," Sirius said. "It just happened. With all your obsessing over it, I'm starting to think you're jealous, mate."

 

James looked stealthily at Lily Evans down the table and raked a hand through his hair. Remus was paying more attention to whatever the Hufflepuff was whispering in his ear. Peter's career as a vegetable architect seeming a failure, he put down his wand and said, "never known you to be so humble, mate."

 

"Remus and I are off to the library," The Hufflepuff said, rising quickly and putting a hand on Remus's shoulder. James coughed politely.

 

"Er, yes," Remus said. Sirius examined the pheasant on his plate. It looked dead. "Right. I'll see you lot later, then."

 

"You and I need to start upping our game, Wormtail," James said, watching the pair leave as Sirius contemplated stuffing his own head into the pheasant. "Padfoot is one thing, but I can't stand to be out-shagged by--"

 

"I just hope those venomous toads don't escape from Slughorn's office again," Sirius said loudly as a group of Slytherin first-years passed by the Gryffindor table, "I'd hate to see another firstie lose an eye..."

 

"Damn, you _are_ good," Peter muttered as the first-years started self-consciously touching their faces.

 

#

 

At midnight, James and Peter went to bed. Remus still hadn't returned to the dormitory. Sirius stared at his bed curtains and tried not to think of what they were doing, and his mind kept going back to the way his ribcage had seemed to shrink when he had fingered the Muggle girl and he wondered if Remus ever felt like that when he--no.

 

Sirius had turned over for the fifth time in as many minutes when Remus came back. He had become quite good at entering the dormitory silently, so he wouldn't wake them on Saturday mornings after the moon, but Sirius always waited for him and insisted on helping him change ( _oh god i bet now he thinks i meant something by it, no moony no it's not like that it's not it's not_ ) but maybe it _is_ like that because this time when Remus entered Sirius felt sick to his stomach and pulled a blanket over his face in shame because he was thinking about him. He froze when he heard Remus's footsteps come towards him.

 

" _Silencio_." Remus pulled the curtains of Sirius's bed back a bit. "Sirius?"

 

"Mmmmmmph," Sirius said, not sure if he was trying to indicate that he was awake or asleep. After a moment he turned and damn it, Remus was so close and the moonlight was in his hair, didn't he know they couldn't do this anymore because they might accidentally talk about it?

 

Remus pulled the curtains the rest of the way back carefully, and sat tentatively at the edge of Sirius's bed. Sirius sat up, pulling his sheets up over his knees and blinking like he was half-asleep or like he didn't know what he was seeing.

 

Remus wasn't facing him. He was sitting on Sirius's bed and looking at his hands. He traced the outline of a faded scar up and down one thumb.

 

"I broke it off with Amelia," he said. He sounded like he might be talking to a professor about a problem with his homework. "It was bad. I thought she was all right, but when I was about to leave she cried so I walked her back to Hufflepuff and her friends made it clear that they hate me now."

 

He wasn't speaking particularly fast, but Sirius didn't understand what he was saying. "What?" Sirius found his hands balled into fists in his sheets and clenched them harder.

 

Remus looked out the window for a moment, then looked at Sirius directly for the first time in two days. Before Sirius could register the flip in his gut, Remus said: "I--I don't know if that's what you wanted. I'm not saying it is, I'm not asking for anything, I just figured--you should be the first to know. I guess. I figured. Since."

 

Sirius exhaled and turned, putting his feet on the floor and mirroring Remus, looking at his hands. Remus was breathing _very_ loudly. Sirius swallowed.

 

"I thought," he said. He paused and swallowed again because his throat seemed to close around the words. "I thought you had second thoughts."

 

"No," Remus said, too quickly, like it was a conversation that was happening in Sirius's head and not in real life, but Sirius had never felt so much like his stomach has been replaced with a helium balloon. He looked at Remus's feet, at his socks wearing thin at the toe.

 

"Have--have you, then?" Remus said. He crossed his legs at the ankle and then uncrossed them. "Had, er, second thoughts?"

 

Remus bit his lip, _he_ was nervous, that is just _like_ him, Sirius thought, and that was when he began to feel like his body was his own again.

 

"No," he said, shifting so that his shoulders were facing Remus. "Only one thought." His hand went to Remus's cheek. Remus closed his eyes and leaned in.

 

It was the best moment of Sirius's life to date. Remus was soft but firm, bashful but certain, and everything felt like it was happening at once: lips pressed and opened and sighed; tongues slid against each other; Sirius felt Remus's teeth with his tongue; their noses bumped together as they shifted; the kiss broke; they laughed; their foreheads pressed together; they breathed one another's breath; Sirius's hands were on Remus's back, pulling him towards the bed; Remus's thigh was between Sirius's knees; his lips were on Sirius's neck; his hands were at Sirius's waist; his cock was flush against his trousers and poked into Sirius's thigh shyly, like a question.

 

"Please," Sirius whispered. His hands were still in Remus's hair, fingertips grasping at the roots as the other boy left a half-finished love mark on his neck and their eyes met again. The thin fabric of Sirius's boxers did nothing to conceal his arched, aching cock. Even though he was still wearing a shirt and pants, Sirius had never felt as naked as he did when Remus, still looking him right in the eye, reached down his pants and wrapped his fingers around his cock.

 

"If I'd known this was all it took to bring out the manners in you," Remus whispered a breath from Sirius's lips, closing his eyes and pressing their foreheads together again, "I might have tried it sooner."

 

" _God_ ," Sirius hissed. He bit his lip to keep from coming as his hands groped for Remus's belt buckle, and it took altogether far too long to rid Remus of his trousers; Remus's hand left Sirius's dick for a moment to push them off his hips and Sirius only had a fraction of a second to admire Remus's cock--he'd seen it before, of course, they'd lived together for years, but now it was standing upright and ready _for me_ , Sirius thought _, for me_ \--before their dicks touched, Peter let out a snore from across the room, one (or both) of them gasped, and each of them had a hand on the other, Sirius bucked his hips into Remus ( _Moony_ , he said like a chant, _Moony Moony Moony_ ) and came and came.

 

Remus came a moment later, his mouth frozen in an _oh_ of surprise, and Sirius jerked him until his cock was limp and their hands and wrinkled clothes were sticky with each other. Remus laid down next to Sirius and their whole bodies pressed together, Sirius's hands on the back of Remus's neck and his hip, pulling him closer. Sirius planted a kiss on Remus's flushed cheek and for once in his life, had nothing to say.

 

After a silence that might have lasted a lifetime, Remus said, "I wanted you for so long." He was so close that Sirius felt his words in his bones.

 

"You could have had me," he said. He shifted backwards a little so he could have a proper look at Remus, and almost fell off the bed in the process. The post-orgasm glow subsiding a bit, Remus blinked himself awake and shifted closer to the wall so Sirius would have room. His eyes looked sad, of all things.

 

"You knew," Sirius continued. "You knew that I--I would have done anything to--but you never said anything."

 

Remus sat up and reached for his wand, which was still sitting at the foot of the bed. " _Scourgify_." Sirius felt his hands tingle and the scent of come vanished. Remus finally kicked off his trousers completely, then rested his head in the nook under Sirius's arm.

 

"I'm sorry," he said. "I thought you were going to get over it when you found a girl to shag."

 

"Like you did," Sirius said, a little more bitterly than he intended. He put a hand to Remus's head to show he didn't mean it, and Remus exhaled heavily.

 

"She was nice," he said. "Being with her was like being normal. It was nice." He paused. _I know it was hard for you_ , he seemed to say, as his hand closed over Sirius's.

 

"I don't, er, like birds so much," Sirius said, trying to sound as though this was not the most terrifying secret he had ever kept. Remus squeezed his hand.

 

"So. The girl at the party?"

 

"I felt disgusting afterwards," Sirius said, words he never thought he'd say aloud, especially not to Remus. "She made me feel cold inside, like I wasn't myself."

 

"Come, now," Remus said, taking Sirius's hand and kissing his knuckle. "It's not her fault if you're not attracted to her."

 

Sirius was silent for a long moment. Everything about the boy in his arms made him feel like himself. "Yeah," he said, "birds. Not so much."

 

Remus turned his head upwards to face Sirius. "You like me," he whispered, like a secret.

 

Sirius nodded. Remus kissed him on the neck, where a bruise was forming from earlier. "I'm sorry I can't make you feel normal," Sirius said to the ceiling. Remus kissed behind his ear.

 

"You've driven me so mad I don't even care," he said into his ear. Sirius fell asleep with Remus's arm draped over him, hugging his hip.

 

He woke up to James and Peter arguing over whether they should pour cold water on him or just let him sleep through breakfast. Remus was pulling his socks on across the room. Sirius kept his eyes closed.

 

"I don't know, Wormtail," James said, sighing, "just think about how much he loves breakfast..."

 

"But just because he was probably up half the night wanking doesn't mean he can't tell me the answers to the Potions homework," Peter said. "It's first class of the day and I still haven't finished..."

 

"You could always do your own homework, Peter," Remus suggested quietly.

 

"Whatever, I'm starved, I'm going," James said, slinging his book pack over his shoulder, and Peter followed, grumbling about broken promises.

 

A few moments after the door shuts, before Sirius had even moved, Remus said, "I don't know where Peter gets his ideas about your stamina, but someone ought to set him straight. Wanking half the night, honestly. You lasted two minutes."

 

Of all the things Sirius had thought he might hear this morning, this was not one of them. He sat up, rubbing his eyes. Remus was sitting at the edge of his bed, looking between the floor and Sirius uncertainly, trying not to smile.

 

"Like you are the master of self-control," Sirius jibed, but it rang hollow, because Remus might, in fact, be the master of self-control. Sirius felt like hiding his face in his pillow again.

 

Remus got up with his bag slung over his shoulder, and planted a kiss on Sirius's lips. Just as his brain shut off and his lips slid open to meet Remus's greedily, Remus pulled away.

 

"Don't worry," he said over his shoulder on his way out the door, "I'll teach you."

 

Sirius gaped after him for a moment, touching a hand to his mouth where he could still taste Remus's toothpaste. He groaned, put his head into his pillow, and decided he needed a wank more than he needed breakfast after all.

 

#

 

There were a lot of firsts in the next two months. The first time Remus sucked Sirius off. The first time they undressed each other. The first time Remus held Sirius's hand under the table at breakfast. The first time they kissed in a broom closet between lessons. The first day after the full moon when Sirius skipped his lessons and laid in bed with Remus all day. The first time Sirius sucked Remus off (he got himself off on Remus's moans before Remus even came). The first time Remus kissed his forehead. The first time Peter saw them in an abandoned classroom together on the map and asked what they were doing. The first time they were almost caught by James and Lily after a successful Hogsmeade date. The first time Remus let Sirius kiss every scar on his body.

 

The first time they fucked, it was a Friday two days before the full moon. Peter was in detention, and James was patrolling the corridors with Lily ("I bet _her_ corridors will be well-patrolled tonight, if you know what I mean," Sirius had said, prompting a hex from James).

 

"Bat bogeys, _seriously_ , are we still third-years?" Sirius said after James had gone and Remus had lifted the hex. He was pacing the room. He shook his head vigorously. "Disgusting."

 

"I thought you used that one on Nott just last week," Remus said, lifting an eyebrow as he wiped bat-bogey off his wand onto Sirius's quilt.

 

Sirius shrugged. "It's different with Slytherins, you know that." He sat down next to Remus on his bed

 

"And I don't approve, you know that," Remus said, slipping off his shoes and lying back on Sirius's bed, closing his eyes. "And anyway, I think for James it's different when it comes to Lily."

 

Sirius paused. "I hate her," he said. "I've known all along that she was just stringing him along so she could have him in the palm of her hand."

 

"Prongs seems quite happy to be there," Remus said. Not having a response to that, Sirius kicked off his shoes and leaned next to Remus, propped up on his elbow.

 

"You tired?" he said. He put a hand to Remus's stomach, and Remus's eyes flew open.

 

"No," Remus said. He propped himself on his elbow to mirror Sirius, whose eyebrows had risen in surprise. "I'm never tired before... you know, before," he said, in a tone like a confession. "My heart is racing. My _mind_ is racing. It's like... the wolf bubbles to the top of my mind." He paused and sat upright, leaning back on the wall. "When I was younger I would get really aggressive before the full," he continued. "I broke one of my mother's ribs once when she tried to put me to bed."

 

"Christ," Sirius said, without thinking. "I wish I'd done that to my mother."

 

Remus looked at him and didn't have to say _that's not funny_ because Sirius knew it wasn't, and couldn't look at him. Remus continued. "I had to learn to control myself, so I just... withdraw. So I don't hurt anyone. It's not you."

 

Every time Remus talked about how he was sometimes a murderous canine, Sirius wanted to hold him. He scooted back to be closer to him.

 

"You won't hurt me," he said, and for that moment he believed it.

 

Remus let out a guffaw. "Right," he said. "I forgot you're invincible."

 

"And, personally, I'm offended," Sirius said. He nudged Remus with his shoulder. "I thought it was one of my more memorable traits."

 

"That would be your stubbornness, Pads," Remus said gently. He closed his eyes again. "It's not quite the same."

 

Sirius kissed him sloppily on the cheek. "Come on," he said. "Jamie and Pete won't be back for hours." He turned Remus's chin to look at him. "Let me see you."

 

In a matter of seconds Sirius found himself pushed onto the mattress, his shoulders pinned down to his sides with the full weight of Remus's torso. Remus sat on top of him, looking like he was enjoying the sight of Sirius underneath him. He held him there long enough for Sirius to try to buck him off and fail. Sirius went red all over and felt his dick start to twitch. Remus released his grip and settled back on his haunches, looking tired again.

 

"Stubborn," Remus said.

 

" _Hot_ ," Sirius said, propping himself up on his shoulders. In doing so, he shifted, so the beginnings of his hardness poked into Remus, who exhaled heavily. "You can't--you can't just do that to a bloke and leave him hanging." He put on his best pout.

 

"Once again you miss the point entirely," Remus said. He reached out and tucked Sirius's hair behind his ear.

 

Sirius shifted upwards so he was sitting and Remus was straddling his lap. He kissed him, hands on the other boy's back. Remus let out an _mmmmm_ as Sirius nipped at his lip. "At least," Sirius said in a heady whisper, unbuttoning Remus's shirt, "let me make you feel good."

 

That was enough to get Remus on his back, hips lifted off the bed as Sirius pulled off his pants and trousers. Sirius's hands lingered on his arse and the soft skin on the backside of his leg. Remus bit his lip.

 

"Please," he said quietly. His half-hardness flopped around a little as he fell back onto the bed, now totally naked. Sirius pulled off his own shirt, then ran his hands along the length of Remus's torso to his hips. Then he lowered his lips to an inch from Remus's cock.

 

"What was that?" Sirius said, looking up at Remus mischievously. Remus groaned.

 

" _Please_ ," he said, full-throated. His hands were balled into the sheet beneath him.

 

The first taste of Remus was always a bit salty from sweat. Sirius took Remus's head into his mouth and sucked in slightly. He was rewarded with a whimper. His tongue swirled around Remus's head before he took more of his rapidly hardening dick into his mouth.

 

The best part of sucking Remus's cock was the chorus of whimpers, sighs, and groans that it elicited from his normally reserved friend (a word that felt strange to apply to Remus when his hips were rocking against Sirius's mouth on his cock, but that was something that could be discussed later). As Sirius put a hand to Remus's balls, lightly tracing the veins, Remus let out a strangled moan and put a hand to Sirius's head, pushing him further onto his cock. Sirius only sputtered for a second and glanced up at Remus, whose breathing was becoming more rapid, and as their eyes met, Remus's other hand tangled in his hair and Remus threw his head back and seemed to be struggling not to slam his cock down Sirius's throat.

 

Sirius looked up at Remus and nodded as best he could, then closed his eyes and sucked Remus deeper, relaxing his throat and trying not to cough as Remus's head pushed his gag reflex to its limits. The hand that was not massaging Remus's balls quickly reached down to his own leaking cock, and he bucked into his own hand as Remus started to fuck his mouth, drowning his moans as he pulled his head with increasing insistency onto his cock.

 

It frightened Sirius, how much he enjoyed being a receptacle for Remus's pleasure. It was hard to believe that it had been he who was convincing Remus to do this not so long ago, as Remus said _yes_ and _yes_ and _ohgod_ while his cock bucked against the roof of Sirius's mouth. It frightened Sirius how effortlessly Remus made him desperate for his cock, how easily control of the situation had slipped into Remus's hands.

 

And so it was mostly (okay, partly) to throw Remus off his game that Sirius wrenched his mouth off Remus's cock, dripping now with his saliva, looked straight into Remus's eyes of surprise, and said, "fuck me, Moony."

 

Remus moaned. His head fell back onto the pillow and he closed his eyes. "You--you can't just say things like that," he said, his voice strained.

 

"I'm _not,_ " Sirius said. To prove it, he straddled Remus's hips. Remus groaned as Sirius's bare arse settled against him. Sirius rocked his hips back and forth slightly.

 

"Stop," Remus said, shaking his head, his eyes still closed. He bit his lip. It was doing nothing to put a stopper in Sirius's desire for him--he ached for Remus's hand to close around him, but this was important.

 

"Moony," Sirius said. He put his finger to Remus's lower lip, pulling it gently from the grip of his upper teeth. "I'm going to start thinking you don't _want_ my arse."

 

Remus's eyes fluttered open. "That's not--" he said.

 

"--not a total surprise, no," Sirius said. He shifted his hips so that Remus's cock lay between his cheeks, and gasped slightly as Remus, seemingly involuntarily, leaned into him. "I mean," he continued, his breath getting raspier, "it's not like you've ever stared."

 

"Have _not_ ," Remus protested weakly. "Self-control." Every word sounded more laborious as Sirius ground his arse against him, Remus's cock slick with spit rubbing between his cheeks.

 

There were a whole host of things Sirius could have said to that: like _breakfast this morning_ or _Care of Magical Creatures yesterday_ or _oh god yes_. But seeing Remus's defenses weaken, he leaned to kiss him in the sensitive spot under his ear and whispered, "I want your cock in my arse."

 

For half a second Sirius thought that this might have been too much--but Remus grabbed him by the shoulders and kissed him so hard his world shook--Sirius might not even have noticed he was, in fact, being flipped over except he almost fell off the bed. A moment later Sirius's wand was in Remus's hands, which was when Sirius realized he had no bloody idea what they were doing.

 

"You have to tell me," Remus said, fiddling the wand between his hands as Sirius thought _my wand, no one else has_ ever _used my wand before, I'd kill them if they tried,_ "if it's too much. You will, yeah?"

 

Sirius stared at Remus for a minute, cock flush against his stomach, Sirius's wand in his hand, managing to look both eager and uncertain at the same time, and felt totally safe. He wondered how they would ever casually sit near each other and discuss the morning's news at breakfast again, having been this close to each other. Then he nodded.

 

"Yeah," he said. Remus swallowed.

 

"Hands and knees."

 

From the moment Remus whispered _lubricus_ under his breath, Sirius knew they were in totally new territory. He stared at a knot in his headboard while Remus worked magic Sirius had never encountered before with _his_ wand. His hardness had subsided a little by the time Remus stopped fumbling behind him and mumbled, "this might hurt at first..."

 

It did. Remus's finger was slick and slow but there was no other word for it but _hurt_. For a second Sirius thought hotly that nothing was supposed to go _up_ there, and he had to stop himself from yelping as Remus pressed on anyway.

 

"Fuck," Sirius hissed, and would have laughed but he had no more breath. Remus's finger stopped for a minute, and his other hand steadied on Sirius's left cheek.

 

"We can try another time," Remus said, and Sirius almost agreed, because so far there was literally nothing sexy about this, and his cock had gone almost entirely soft. But as the scarlet bed curtains surrounding them reminded him, he was a _Gryffindor_ , damn it.

 

"Just do it," Sirius said to the bed curtains through gritted teeth. Remus's finger moved a little more and Sirius exhaled as he broke through the ring of muscle. It still hurt, but as Remus rocked the finger back and forth and massaged his ass and whispered _you're doing great, just a little more_ , the idea of Remus's cock in his arse started to seem sexy again, and when Remus started tugging on his cock as he started with the second finger, Sirius's whimper was a synthesis of pain and pleasure that he'd always secretly thought was bullshit, but as it turned out was very, very real.

 

As three of Remus's fingers stretched him open, Remus's hand left Sirius's cock and he groaned. "Sorry, love," Remus muttered, and the casual endearment _did you just call me love, seriously_ made Sirius groan again. "Just need..." Another whispered incantation and Sirius heard Remus's hand slick against his own cock, _we're close now_.

 

"Are you ready?" Remus said. His fingers flexed against Sirius's walls. Sirius wished he could see Remus, touch him, anything to distract him from the uncomfortable pressure, but he nodded.

 

Remus's dick was big. It was only a little bigger than Sirius's so he hadn't thought about it much, honestly, but as it pressed into Sirius it felt absolutely massive. "Relax," Remus said, his hands smoothing down Sirius's back. He shivered. "Don't clench... this will feel good, I promise..."

 

Then Remus started to let out little _oh_ s of pleasure, and Sirius thought this all might be worth it, just for that, just for him, because as Remus pushed balls-deep into Sirius, he seriously doubted whether this feeling would ever be more than tolerable, whether he would even survive being _this full_.

 

 _God god Sirius you are so tight oh god_ at least Remus was close to him, his hands on his hips, then a hand on his cock, and then as he started to rock back and forth a bit--

 

" _Ohmygod_." Sirius felt pleasure wash over him like the clouds had parted on a rainy day and doused him with sunlight. He jerked his hips backward into Remus, who _oh_ -ed again and started rocking into Sirius faster, tugging on Sirius's cock and withdrawing a little and then _there it was again_ , "fuck, Moony, god, yes," and again andagainandagainand, "more, more, _please_."

 

And suddenly Sirius knew what Remus meant when he said he could hurt someone before the full moon because it was like some switch was turned when Sirius asked for more and Remus lost it, the control he so carefully cultivated in everything he did, and started to fuck Sirius in earnest, hands digging into Sirius's hips and pulling him in deeper to every thrust--Sirius panted, reached blindly for his cock, lost balance, fell onto his forearms, but Remus kept plowing into him, and it hurt, it hurt, but then Remus would hit that sweet spot and that was so good he forgot everything else.

 

" _Fuck_." Remus came without warning, groaning, buried balls-deep in Sirius's arse. Sirius gasped and rocked into him, hand furious on his own cock so that he came a second later, and he thought he even saw stars as he spilt all over himself and the bed before he collapsed onto it, feeling suddenly wide and empty as Remus slipped out of him.

 

Sirius didn't know how long they laid there, Remus's hand settled on his lower back as he tried to remember how to breathe normally. It might have been an hour before Remus said, "I, er, bruised your hip."

 

Sirius didn't need to be told that. He could still feel where Remus had held him as he thrust. He turned his head so his face was no more than two inches from Remus chewing his lower lip. "'s not the only thing," he said. "I feel like I'll be limping for the next week."

 

"Sorry," Remus said. He ran his hand up Sirius's back to rest on his neck. "I'm sorry," he repeated.

 

"That was incredible." Sirius was too tired to move his limbs, but he pressed his forehead to the worried-looking boy's. "Thank you," he said, and meant it.

 

They were quiet again for a long while. Remus kept his eyes closed and rubbed small circles on Sirius's back with his thumbs, until Sirius asked the question that had been on his mind for two months.

 

"Did you fuck Bones like that?" Sirius said.

 

Remus pulled back a few inches and didn't comment on how Sirius suddenly knew his ex-girlfriend's name. He put the back of his hand to Sirius's cheek. "Definitely not like that," he said.

 

"But you fucked her."

 

Remus withdrew his hand from Sirius's cheek. "Yes," he said. He turned from his side to his back, facing the ceiling. "A few times."

 

Sirius didn't know what he expected to feel upon confirmation of this. He put a hand to Remus's chest; his heart was beating so fast that Sirius could feel it. "I love you," he said, for the first time.

 

Remus's head turned back to Sirius, who felt like eating his tongue. "I love you too," he said, smiling shyly like a first-year delighted to have finally made friends.

 

Sirius didn't ask Remus if he loved Bones, as well. It was bad enough knowing that people outside the two of them even existed. He kissed him and tried not to think about it.

 

#

 

The last time they fucked before the world ended, it was familiar in a way it had no right to be, anymore.

 

If Sirius had imagined it (which he hadn't), he would have imagined it rough. He would have imagined handcuffing Remus to the bedpost and putting a cock ring on him and eating him out until he cried begging to come. He would have imagined Remus fucking him into the mattress so hard he'd leave finger-shaped bruises all over his hips until Sirius cried begging him to come back.

 

But the way it actually happened, it might not have happened at all. It was the day before the Fidelius Charm was supposed to be cast and Sirius went into hiding along with James, Lily, Harry, and Peter. The whole Order knew what was happening (or they thought they did), and so the few of them that could manage it had come to James and Lily's flat with half the alcohol in London and "made it a proper farewell--er, see you later, that is," as Dedalus Diggle had put it. Everyone there had made an effort not to point out the conspicuous absentees, Sirius had gotten Peter smashed and made him dance on the table with him, Harry had puked all over the Halloween-themed cake that Lily had made, and it had nearly been perfect.

 

Remus wasn't there, of course. As far as Sirius knew, Remus hadn't been anywhere for weeks. Apart from Dumbledore's vague assurances that he was where he was supposed to be, Remus could be dead, for all Sirius knew. Which was why, when Sirius drunkenly stumbled into the flat that used to be theirs at half ten and saw Remus drinking tea and reading the paper at the kitchen counter like he actually still lived there, Sirius knocked over the table next to the door.

 

" _Fuck_ ," Sirius said, steadying the table with his own weight as the bowl on it, with his wallet and his keys, fell to the floor with a crash. He stood there a second longer than he needed to, he supposed, because Remus intervened.

 

"Hullo." Sirius's knees _actually knocked together_ and Remus's voice shouldn't have that effect on him, not after everything. " _Reparo_." Sirius moved his hands from the table as the bowl floated wordlessly into his place.

 

When Sirius turned around, Remus was sipping his tea again. "There was a party," Sirius said, slurring slightly, by way of explanation.

 

"I heard," Remus said. His wand was lying on top of the paper as he took his mug into both hands and Sirius wondered, not for the first time, where it had been.

 

"'cause we're going away. All of us. But you didn't come." If it weren't for the fact that the last time he had seen Remus (thirty-nine days ago, but who's counting), he had told him to stay the fuck away from him, he might have thrown in a pout.

 

"Didn't seem like I was invited," Remus said. Sirius tried his best to match his nonchalance but he wondered if this would be the time when he finally hit Remus.

 

"It's hard to invite someone who barely even exists." Sirius sat down on the arm of the couch unsteadily, his wand poking him in the arse. He didn't move it.

 

Remus put down his tea. "It's hard to exist around you." It felt like the truest thing either of them had said for a long time.

 

If it weren't for the fact that the last time he had seen Remus, Sirius had sobbed, saying _I'm not going to ask you again, where you go, but looking at you and not being able to trust you is literally fucking killing me_ , and Remus had said _fuck you, fuck you, it's not my fault that you don't trust me, I have already given you everything I have Sirius I don't know what the fuck else you want from me_ \--if it weren't for that, it wouldn't be such a surprise that Remus came across the room, held Sirius's face in his hands, and kissed him.

 

If Sirius hadn't been drunk, he probably would have pushed him away. But he was drunk, and this was _all he wanted in the world_ , and so he grabbed Remus by the collar and said: "one more time."

 

And so Remus led them into the bedroom, tongue sliding easily against Sirius's while he undressed him, piece by piece, like they had all the time in the world. And so Sirius keened into his touch because he had already chosen, hadn't he, he had done the right thing and chosen to give up everything to save his friends, and it felt like at the very least he deserved this.

 

In the beginning, after Hogwarts, when the war still mostly felt like it was about other people and this flat still mostly felt like it was theirs, Sirius had never needed much of any prep. For weeks at a time, they fucked every day, sometimes more than once. They had fucked in every room in this flat, with Sirius bent over that counter, the side of this big white bed, the arm of that couch. Remus even let Sirius fuck him, too, before trusting each other was a thing they even had to talk about. But Sirius liked how easy it was when Remus slotted into him, liked that they didn't even need to talk about it (and that was when they talked about everything), liked how his body had learned how to take everything Remus had to give, and to love it.

 

This time he clenched around Remus's fingers uncomfortably, wincing as it burned like it hadn't in a long time, but Remus was slow, running one hand over Sirius's stomach as his other opened him up, murmuring _shhh_ when Sirius yelped as he added a third finger, being either the best or the worst bloody spy in the world as he licked the underside of Sirius's cock while he crooked his fingers, his eyes never leaving Sirius's face as he thrashed his head from side to side.

 

"Ready?" Remus said, in an almost-whisper, as Sirius started to work himself back onto Remus's fingers. Sirius nodded, biting his lip shut so that he wouldn't whine as Remus's fingers slid out and the head of his cock nudged against his opening.

 

Remus had always liked to talk when he fucked Sirius, telling him how good he looked, how tight he was, how much he loved him. "Sorry," Remus said this time, as he pushed in a little too quickly and Sirius choked on air. Sirius shook his head to say that it was fine, rolling his hips a bit for emphasis. "I love you," Remus said, and he shifted his hips and rubbed against Sirius's prostate and Sirius gasped and Remus muttered "sorry" again.

 

Remus came before Sirius did, looking like he was struggling not to bury his face in Sirius's neck. Sirius almost made a joke about self-control, but as Remus's cock slid out of him and his fingers slid back in, rubbing against his prostate insistently, he wondered if either of them could control anything about this.

 

Afterwards, Sirius rested his head on Remus's chest for several minutes, eyes closed, one hand resting tentatively on Remus's hip. He knew that Remus was going to leave, knew it in his bones, knew that there was no other way, but still he searched his mind frantically for a way to delay the inevitable.

 

But after a few minutes, Remus pulled himself out from beneath Sirius's weight and got dressed while Sirius watched silently from the bed. As he put on his shirt, Sirius noticed a scar he had never seen before, what looked like bite marks on his right shoulder blade. After he pulled on his boots, he sat still on the edge of the bed, facing the wall.

 

"I still trust you," he said. "For what that's worth."

 

"I love you," Sirius said, for the last time. As if it were the same thing.

 

Remus didn't say anything to that. He got up, picked up his knapsack, and Sirius's eyes followed him all the way to the door. Then he turned.

 

His eyes had gotten red in the last few minutes. He leaned against the doorframe and threw up his hands. "I wasn't going to--" he said, and there was so much desperation in his voice that Sirius thought for a fraction of a second that he was going to come clean, to come home. Instead, he took a deep breath and steadied his voice.

 

"It isn't me," Remus said, for what felt like the millionth time. There was a deadness in his voice, like he knew Sirius didn't believe him. "Someday you'll know that. Someday soon, I hope. And I just want you to know then, that I forgive you. Already, I've forgiven you. Don't stay away."

 

He came back into the room, where Sirius was still lying sprawled out on the mattress, and kissed his forehead. Sirius sat up, looked into Remus's eyes, and saw that he was crying. He wondered if he was crying too. He couldn't feel his own face. He pulled Remus to him by his collar and kissed him on the corner of his mouth, then settled his forehead against Remus's own because it was the closest thing he could do to begging him to stay.

 

"Love," Remus said, as a warning, as a reminder of all the things Sirius couldn't bring himself to say, like _how could you do this_ and _you should have just killed me_ and _when did it stop being real_.

 

This time, when Remus left, he didn't stop. When Sirius woke up the next morning, the empty air in the room still smelled like over-brewed tea and old cardigans, and that was the only thing forced him to get out of bed and head to Godric's Hollow. They had made their choices; everything that was to come was just follow through. _Someday soon. I hope_.

**Author's Note:**

> hope you enjoyed! please let me know if you noticed any typos or obnoxious americanisms.


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